I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time
So last week I did really good and followed through with not texting him, but then he showed up at the house Thursday and all the progress I made of forgetting and moving on went out the window. He went down stairs and hung out with Brad and Twank of course and I was cooking dinner so I was upstairs, but eventually I went down stairs and I tried so hard to be non nonchalant. I spent a lot of the time texting Vanessa what was going on and laughing at her commentary. I felt like he was ignoring me, but then I caught him looking at me and he made a comment about how I had been on the phone, giggling the whole time. I ignored him comment, but limited my phone time and loosened up. After awhile Brad made a comment about how I should of seen how excited he was to come over and I, being a smart ass......
Me: Awww you missed your boys
Him: Some more than others
Me: So it was Twank you were really missing?
by this time I realize he is probably going somewhere with this,but again I am a smartass
Me: Oh I know it was really the kids lol
Him: Really? You are right. It is your son that gets on my nerves with his attitude that I missed. Yep it had nothing at all to do you with.
Me: *insert huge smile and laughing
I knew then there is still something there. So it came time for him to go and he demanded I take him home and of course I said yes. I had already put Caleb to bed so I didn't think it would be a problem. We talked and laughed in the car, but when we got to his house he asked if I wanted to come in and started to kiss me. I told him that I wanted to, but it would be my luck that Brad would call 5 minutes in.He preceded to get out the car and was like its your choice. I sat in the car for a second then drove off. I wasn't even out of his neighborhood when I picked up my phone to call him, but I found he had text me and was upset. I told him that I was turning around and he again said it was my choice. *** Time lapse*** As we are laying on his bed talking he pats my vajayjay and
Him: Do you have a name for this?
Me: No, but I am open to suggestions lol
Him: I think it should say no trespassing above it
Me: Oh really
Him: Yeah and under that it should say warning: enter at own risk
Me: you are making it sound like its a bad thing lol
Him: Oh no its good. Really good
I then explained that when I left it had nothing to do with Brad, but that Caleb was asleep and if he woke up it would be a fight when he couldn't find me. He said oh that makes sense as he is a Mama's boy. I told him I was working on it and he assured me that I was doing fine. He kissed me and was like so you need to go. At first I was like he is rushing me off :( , but realized he was doing what needed to be done so I could get back to the house. I thought he was working Friday, but he showed up at the house while Brad was off getting his hair cut. He stayed and went down stairs to play a video game while Caleb and I finished a movie. After I put Caleb to bed I went down there with him. I wanted to ask him to sit with me on the couch. I wanted to rub his shoulders and touch him. However I did none of those things. Sat on the couch talking and watching him play his game. I realize that he is probably feeding off of me and I am trying to feed off of him and we are going in circles. I am going to have to step up and step out of my comfort zone again and just be blunt. I should of already known this as Twank tells me all the time that I need to. I texted him yesterday and was like what are the chances of me getting to spend some time with you sooner than later. His response was seems good. I just told him that I liked that and that I would be kid free for the next 5 days and he replied with nice, but then the conversation ended. I want to text him again today, but I am scared. My friend Townsend has been trying to get me over it, but I haven't yet. I know I need to make the first move.........
I gotta girl crush, hate to admit it but
I gotta heart rush, ain’t slowin’ down
I got it real bad, want everything she has
That smile and that midnight laugh she’s giving you now
The other side to this is I have realized that for some reason him hooking up with ex doesn't bother me. Maybe its because we have talked about her and I know its probably more a convenience thing than anything else. However the Married chick bothers the crap out of me. I literally hate her with the flames of a 1000 suns. I don't know when I developed this hatred and jealously. I don't truly understand why I feel that way about her. Maybe it is because he doesn't want me to know about her. Maybe its because he leaves me and meets up with her at the bar. Maybe its because it seems he invites her to parties/on dates. Maybe its because in my head he takes her home, gives her amazing pelvis and she gets to stay the night and wake up with him. Maybe its because in my head he wants her more and I am just the chick he thought he wanted and is just trying to be nice to. Maybe its because although she has brought all kind of drama in his life he still chooses to give her the pelvis. Maybe its because she seems to give him exactly what he wants. Maybe its because I feel like he doesn't flirt with me like he used to and I am no longer special to him. Obviously in my head I have lots of reasons lol. I can't help but think what does she have that I don't. I know absolutely nothing about this woman, except she originally started talking to him because her husband wanted to watch her have sex with someone else and I know about some of the drama that has happened since they started sleeping together. I know that he told his ex about her the other night and apparently threw his "moving on" in her face. I know that I need to get over her and let it go, but thats easier said than done.
What I don't know is although I don't think he is my forever love I just can't seem to let him go. I want him. I want all of him. I need to put myself out there so I can get what I want. Except he made it clear it was just sex and I am trying to make sure he is getting what he wants, have sex and keep a friendship.