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New Year with everything else [02 Jan 2018|08:01pm]
I've begun this year off financially in a huge whole and it just seems to keep getting worse. My car broke down. I was told a tune up would probably fix it and I put aside the $200. That put me short for rent so my bank account is now over drawn. Today I found out that the intake manifold is cracked and a bunch of other stuff so now it will be $450 to fix my car. $450 that I don't have. To top today off my phone completely died. No fixing it and I have to get a new one. That will be another $300 that I don't have. Steven offered to give me his old Iphone and I told him that would help, but it wasn't long that I realized it was because he wants me to allow him to claim the kids on his income taxes. He said he is just having a really hard time and all his money goes to child support. Part of me feels bad, but he made his decisions. The other part of me is like no I am having a hard time too. I lost my food stamps so I have to buy all of our food. I know this is probably not a big deal to most people, but I only make $10.25/ hour. That is not enough to survive on especially with 2 kids. I had to pay for health insurance for the kids. I have to pay $227 for Caleb's after school care. Steven is suppose to be paying Greg for Caitlyn's, but I doubt that is happening. My rent has gone up and I just am struggling. I admit part of it is my fault. I let Vanessa "borrow" $300, I mixed up some dates and paid some bills before the money was in the bank. I have learned once you get behind its hard to get caught up. I have stayed behind since then. Every time I think I will be able to get caught up I have to pay rent or something happens. Luckily income tax season is close and I should get a decent return. I still have to pay James, Michelle and Brad back. Which will be about $1500, but I should be able to get my bills caught up and have some for savings. I made the decision that we won't do a family vacation this year like we normally do. Well unless my finances change for the better sooner than later. Brad has been talking about buying a house. I have mixed feelings about buying a house. He wants my help coming up with the down payment, etc. I have mixed feelings about buying a house. I mean its a good idea. I am not against it. However, I don't want to live with my brother forever. I have dreams of owning my own home too. Because he wants me to help with the down payment he feels like its best if I go ahead and sell my car and get another one with the rest of my tax money. I know its because he doesn't want me to get to a point where I have to get another car and can't help him buy a house. Its just I don't think buying another car is the best decision right now. Greg just put new tires on the Nissan and I am about to spend $450 getting it fixed. $200 to get a tag and registration. I would have to buy used and I would have less than $10,000. Who is to say that I won't have problems with that car 3 months down the road. Then I am in the same boat as before. I can't afford payments. Its a lot to take in for me. I try to be positive, but sometimes its hard. Earlier today I just wanted to curl up and cry. I know that it wouldn't have solved anything and it would probably made me feel worse, but its want I wanted to do.
My kids are growing up to fast. They now have cell phones and tv's in their rooms. I wasn't on board for the cell phones. I think they are too young. Well Caleb could use one as he likes to go across the street and it would be nice to reach him if needed instead of yelling across the street or calling. I apparently have become anti social. Tonight is the first night we are going to try to use their tv's to help them fall asleep. Hopefully it helps. This new year we are going to be making changes. They need to learn basic skills to take care of them selves. How to cook, how to do laundry, how to clean,etc. They should have already learned, but if I am being honest I am a bit of a control freak and they are lazy and selfish. I love my kids, but thats the truth. *edit: it did not go good with the TVs. So back to the same old routine*. I have been applying to a lot of jobs lately. I pray I hear from some soon. I've gotten to the point where I'm applying to ones even if I don't meet every requirements. Taking chances in 2018. I may not have the skills now, but I will get them. This is my year. I know I've said it before, but I still mean it and I won't back down.
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Good luck reading this mess [28 Nov 2017|02:58pm]
Blah, Blah, Blah...... Ya know its the same old thing...... My random confusing thoughts about "Bruce" (insert eye roll)

When Steven left I was hurt. He left me damaged, but him leaving was the best thing he ever did for me. I made the choice to stay to myself. Not to date or sleep around with other guys. This decision wasn't because I was pining after Steven. I wanted to focus on myself and the kids. I managed to do just that for 2 years. I was good. A bit jaded and scared, but mostly good. I was happy. Then I met a man that really scared me because immediately I felt something for him. I never thought anything would come of that. I dismissed any thoughts as just craziness. I kept focusing on me and my kids. Somehow at some point that changed and I let him him. I fell for him. I still don't know when or how this man managed to get in. To get close, but over the past year that I have known him he has. Closer than I have let anyone other than Twank. He is like my brother from another mother. Even when I let him in he was honest and said it's just sex. I agreed and mentally told myself over and over again that his wasn't the one. I think I had myself fooled into thinking I believed it. So he kept saying just sex. I kept sleeping with him. I kept falling. I never know where I stand with him. He isn't good at sharing/talking about feelings. He has said and done things to lead me to believe he cares for me too. Except I'm complicated. I'm his best friends sister, I am a single mom, I'm the type of woman you wife (or have a serious relationship with). I know he has also been seeing this girl. She is married. He is the other man. I don't know how he feels about her. She seems like the easy choice. He can go out drinking, have fun, have sex then send her home. They text all the time. He ended things with me. I stopped texting him and tried to go about my business. I miss him and am hurting. I knew he was still seeing her. I know he chose her. Then out of the blue he texted me and I answered. We were weak and gave in to each other. He said he missed me and I missed him too. We had sex. I made the joke he should stay away from me as I had cooties. He replied he couldn't do that. Ever since then he has hugged me tighter and has been kissing me again. I don't know what this is suppose to mean. I don't know if it's suppose to change anything. I thought it may mean that he did care and couldn't let me go. This past Friday he was the same way. He came in hugs and kisses. At the end of the night when Brad was passed out and everyone else had left he stayed and we talked. Just hung out. He then invited me to B3's. I didn't answer right away because I was shocked. I guess he took that as a no so he said we can go tomorrow. I told him okay (I now know it was the worse decision). I knew he was super drunk. Sometimes when he is that drunk he says things sober him doesn't agree with. I knew that probably meant he wouldn't remember it in the morning. He kissed me and hugged me tight before he left. Even though I knew he wouldn't remember there was still a part of me that hoped he did. Saturday came and he didn't call or anything. Brad decided to call him and when he answered you could tell he was drunk. Out of no where came a woman's voice. Saying sexual things. Brad and Twank asked who that was he told them its Mel. They didn't tell him I was there. They asked what he was doing. He said just hanging with his girl. He called her his girl. It physically hurt. I tried to pretend I wasn't breaking. Twank kept pushing and I broke down. It wasn't good. I cried. Brad decided to call him back for some reason. Mel answered his phone. Before he could say anything she told him they were coming. That she was coming then hung up. They just looked at me shocked and sorry for me. Twank called him back. She answers again. Tried to be funny. Told Twank he wasn't there. Twank wasn't having it. Told her to put him on the phone. She then says oh here he comes and he isn't happy now. When he got on the phone Twank walked off so I don't know what was said. Then April was calling and I had to take Twank home. I wasn't ever mad at him. He has been honest from the start. I was hurt. So very hurt and jealous. He called her his girl and she answered his phone. Are they now together? Did he officially choose to be in a relationship with a married woman over me? I haven't talked to any of them since Saturday night. I know it's my fault. I knew from the beginning what it was. I told Twank that I was wrong. He never had feelings for me. Twank disagreed. Says he is thinking with his dick. Maybe it's true. It would explain his actions towards me. This has really messed with my head and heart. I just don't know any more. Should I be doing more? Why should I do more when he is always saying its just sex?

Like how could he choose her?!? I know she is really pretty and a sexual freak. She is married. She literally met him because she went to the bar to find a black man to have sex with while her husband watched. She only started sleeping with him for the color of his skin. I genuinely started sleeping with him because of his personality and the way he makes me feel. If she will sleep with another man while married what makes anyone think she won't do it to another man? How could that relationship work? How could you trust her? They have to talk through Snapchat so no one can see their messages. Hiding from her husband. Why would you even want that drama? Why choose the person who knows your history with DUI's and let a you drive around super drunk anyways? Does she really care about him? I don't remember ever being so jealous of another girl. Even when Steven was cheating I don't think I have hated a woman so much. Twank was like why do you hate her and I was like I know she hasn't done anything to me and she is probably just so fucking great (like people look at Taylor Swift or Tom Brady), but I am so green with jealously its pitiful.

Why am I going through this again? Why do I have to have another heartbreak? Where did I go wrong? Why does my gut keep telling me it's not as cut and dry as it seems, that he does care? Why does my anxiety have to point out every reason within 100 miles of my situation that he is being a fuck boy? Why does my heart believe he isn't that type of person? Why did I let myself keep falling in love with him? Why did I have to fall for Brad's best friend? Why can't I stop falling for him now? Seriously, why God? What lesson could I have possibly needed to learn that could only come from another heartbreak? Why don't I fall for someone who falls for me too? Why, Why, Why?????

I actually was disappointed when I started my period Saturday.There was a slight part of me that wanted to be pregnant with his baby. It would of been a miracle, but I wanted it. I know that is wrong as its not what he would of wanted and I would hate to do anything that would upset him or push him away. I told him I can't have kids, but I never actually went back to the doctor to have it confirmed the procedure took. So technically I can't guarantee that I can't have kids. I don't want anymore kids unless its by him. The thought of getting knocked up by some random guy I may be dating is scary to me. He told me the other day that his mom doesn't care if he dates outside his race or who he brings home as long as she can have babies. She wants Grand kids. He said he told her he wanted to adopt and she said no. She wanted babies from his loins. I just said I have thought about adopting a baby myself. Was that him telling me no future because I can't have kids. Of course that would be the one fear I had about meeting new guys that comes true lol.

I just don't understand what I am suppose to be doing anymore or why I can't seem to find happiness. Am I sabotaging myself? If so, then how? I need answers. I know I am the only one who can answer my question. I don't have any answers though. I have 99 problems and a man shouldn't be a top problem, but I just can't seem to let it go. I don't know why. I need to focus on my other 98 problems. I have tried its just never enough to get my mind off that 1.

I am going to stop rambling now and get to work. Ya know actually do what he is paying me for. I need to be better at adulting.
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Santa Clause [27 Nov 2017|02:27pm]
Growing up we were told to believe in Santa Clause so we did. I mean come on who wouldn't want to believe in a man that brought you toys every year. Parents love it as it is a tool to use to get your kids to behave. I never thought about it much till now. My 8 year old son keeps asking this year if Santa is real and I personally want to tell him the truth. I feel like if he is asking then it's time to reveal the lie. Of course I've asked others (best friend, grandparents) views. It has me thinking of my own, which I realize now are not what I grew up thinking. Our views are totally different. They believe in the magic of Santa Clause and the innocence of the child being wrapped up in that. I see Santa Clause as a lie. I don't believe in the magic of Santa Clause. He is just a made up figure that we put so much weight upon. Truth is we all are Santa Clause and Christmas is about giving. I think Santa represents receiving. We are teaching our kids that if they believe in this guy then they get presents. I don't know about other kids, but mine seem to take that as I will ask for everything then be disappointed when he doesn't bring the $1000 four Wheeler I asked for. Why do we do that? Santa gets the glory if the kids are happy and as parents we get the disappointment and the right to answer those questions of why Santa wouldn't bring what they really wanted. Was I not good enough? Why didn't he bring it? I don't want my kids thinking they were not good enough for some made up man. I've always promised that I would never lie to my kids. Till now I didn't see the Santa Clause thing as a real lie. It's just what people do. Tell your kids about
Santa Clause. I regret telling them about Santa now that I'm putting thought into it. This is probably totally selfish, but as a single mom I work really hard to provide Christmas. I don't want to share the little bit of glory I may get the rare times I'm able to pull a big request out of my limited budget. My kids understand I have a budget so if they don't get something they want they know it's mom's budget not me. So should I feel bad if I tell my kids Santa is not real? I want to tell my 8 year old at least. A friend of mine shared an idea with me and I thought it was awesome. It's redirecting how they see Santa and what he stand a for. It's about giving. The idea is telling the kids it's time they are let in on the secret. The secret that Santa isn't a real person, but the giving nature in all of us. Then saying they can choose one person they feel needs a Santa this year so we can pick out one gift for that person. The catch is no one can know that it was you who gave the gift. Christmas is about giving, not receiving. I love this idea. I feel like it teaches them more about giving than receiving.
Maybe this makes me just a selfish,heartless and jaded adult now. However I don't want to share the glory anymore or keep lying about it. I don't want to continue to raise kids that are just receivers. I want us to grow together as a family with what I consider as the real meaning of Christmas.
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Open letter to my crush [18 Nov 2017|10:41pm]
Open letter to my crush,

I can't believe it's been a little over a year since we met. I feel like I've known you so much longer. I bet you don't remember the night, well morning actually. It was 4am and you drove my passed out drunk brother home. I thought it was just Twank till he randomly days hey this. .. .. Y'all brought him inside then I drove y'all home. I remember feeling so anxious and aware of you sitting in the seat next to me. I remember looking over at you while you slept and snored on the way to your house thinking how attractive you were. I quickly dismissed my thoughts because there wouldn't be any way you would be interested in me. It wasn't long after that you made it clear you were attracted to me too. Of course I didn't take you seriously. Then you had to be away for what we thought would only be a few months. I must of missed you then because every chance I got I asked about you. I also remember so vividly the night I realized I had feelings for you. You had no idea. I remember a lot, but I don't remember or know when or how you broke down my walls and I fell for you. It scares me how easy my walls crumbled for you and how right it feels. You have always been honest with me about not wanting a relationship at this time in your life, just sex. I accepted you on those terms and I do not regret my decision. I tried really hard not to be pushy and respect your decidion. The time I had with you is time I will never forget. It meant so much to me in many ways. Now that it's over I miss you terribly. My gut instinct tells me that you care for me like I care for you. It says our timing is just off. I like knowing that you have spent time thinking about us being together and think we would be good together. My gut usually is right. However, you once told me (yes, I know I probably remember too much lol) that guys fake emotions to please girls, so my gut may be wrong. Even as I just wrote that I still have a hard time believing it. I know you have been with and are currently sleeping with women that are much more prettier than me. However, Just with a look and/or smile you make me feel so beautiful, inside and out. You have seen me sick, tired and basically looking my absolute worse and still want me. I feel the safest in your arms. You are not perfect and have faults. I know you are thinking no I don't! I'm (insert spelling name in Usher voice). You are stubborn, arrogant,judgemental, etc. I've seen these traits in you. When I look at you I see your faults and I see this amazing and good man. I'm not ignoring your faults, but I tend to look past them. I know you are more than that. I'm no where near perfect myself. I too am stubborn, I can be selfish and not trusting. I agree that you are not ready for a relationship at this time. It hurts, but I understand. I want you to be happy (safe, but happy) and live life. I would be lying if I said I wasn't praying for our time to come when you are ready. I do think we would be great together. I can see in my head how great we would be. I don't have as much to bring to the table as you seem to think except when I love someone I love with every fiber of my being. However, if our time doesn't come I pray you are happy. I don't know what our future holds. I do promise to always be your friend, your ride or die. I promise to respect your decisions,including if it is to be in a relationship with another woman. Between us I will hate her (probably passionately),but no one will know. I want you to know that as much as I want to loudly fight for us being together, I feel like it would make things worse. You are not ready and I will not force you. I don't want you to ever resent me. Therefore I'm not gonna fight for us in a loud way. I won't lie and say I won't do things to help you keep in mind how great we are together. I want you. All of you. I will not apologize or deny that. So go sow your oats (I think that's the saying), get your head un fucked. More importantly be you and be happy.

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[16 Nov 2017|09:49am]
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe
That we're meant to be
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Get the best of me
Look, I don't mean to frustrate,
But I always make the same mistakes, yeah
Always make the same mistakes 'cause...

I'm bad at love, ooh-ooh
But you can't blame me for tryin'
You know I'd be lyin' sayin'
You were the one, ooh-ooh
That could finally fix me
Lookin' at my history
I'm bad at love
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I am a horrible person [10 Nov 2017|11:23am]
So Vanessa texted me this morning and said it was an emergency I needed to call her right away. I did immediately even though I was super busy at work at that moment. She said that Jett had a seizure at school and her and her ex were rushing him to Children's Healthcare. I felt panicked and worried. She then tells me that she needs me to leave work so I can come watch Ariel. She said that Bill (Ariel's father) couldn't leave work and she didn't want Kim (Ex husband's new girlfriend) to watch her. I then had the following thoughts......
1. I can't afford to leave work and not get paid.
2. Bill :/ why can't the man that claims he wants to marry her and love the boys as his own leave work for a family emergency?
3. I want to go out if the opportunity arises. It's my weekend without the kids and I may want to do adult stuff.
4. They are always so sickly

This is a place I am being 100% honest with myself. So that being said the reason I probably feel so horrible is because the first and main thought that came to mind while I was on the phone with her was that will mess up my chances to possibly see Bruce and/or going out if the opportunity arises. Totally selfish, I know. It's the truth though. I feel guilty for thinking it, but I also can't not think it. Along with damn they are always so sickly and I feel like I'm always dropping everything for them. I truly don't mind. I love them and they are my family. However I don't feel like they are the same for me. I know my kids and I are blessed to be healthy, but I still have a lot going on in my life. Yes I know annoyingly a lot has to do with my lack of a love life. Sorry I'm lonely and I can't help that Bruce is on my mind all the time. I want to change it, but I'm just learning to deal with it.
They do a lot me too just feels sometimes that it's never to the lengths I go to. Part of the reason I'm in the financial place I'm in at the moment is because she needed $300 to pay her phone bill over the summer and she hasn't paid me back.

I honestly don't mind and I do really love them. I just think I may be trying to make myself feel better about the fact that although they are dealing with this horrible situation, all I can think about is Bruce. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't think I'm usually this selfish. Maybe I am and I just am blind to it.
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My jumbled up random thoughts for today [09 Nov 2017|02:14pm]
Sittin' in the morning sun
I'll be sittin' when the evening comes
Watching the ships roll in
Then I watch them roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Most days my thoughts are filled with Bruce. That is a curse and a blessing. However today I feel the need to write and although I could talk about the situation with Bruce, I am not today. Today will be different.

Money/Work: I am not so slowly drowning in a pool of debt. I was doing pretty good till Wanda signed the kids up for summer camp. I thought well since she signed them up and we split the cost last year it would be the same. I was wrong. I had to pay $300/week all summer. It broke me. When I said something to her she just was like,but you get child support now. I didn't start getting child support till mid July. She then told me that she wouldn't be paying for the kids asp. She had already talked to Steven and he said he would pay Caitlyn's. I have to pay Caleb's. It is $230/month. Add in some calendar errors I made and loosing my food stamsp and it equals Tiffany can't keep up and has been almost always negative in my bank account since September. I absolutely HATE borrowing money, but I may not be able to put it off any longer. At this point I am scared that my bank won't let me keep going the way I have been or how I am going to pull Christmas off this year. I mean I am currently driving around with an expired tag because I can't afford to get the new one. It doesn't help that I am stuck in a dead end job. I don't get paid enough to live on. My boss treats me like a lowly woman who can't handle anything without him stepping in to be my knight and save the day. I have been trying so hard to find a new job, but I have not had any luck with it yet. I got a job interview a few weeks ago for a job I thought would be perfect, but I must of been wrong as they never called me back.

Kids: I LOVE my kids. They drive me completely crazy with their bickering. They also fill my heart with so much joy when they are best friends. Caitlyn does so well in school She loves it. Caleb well not so much. He doesn't like school and he doesn't care about the work. We are struggling with him this year not only with his grades, but his behavior as well. He has been getting into altercations at school. I don't want him to feel like he can't defend himself,but I also can't have him continually getting in trouble either. They have made such great strides in being more independent. I mean don't get me wrong they don't do chores without being threatened. They do sleep all night in their own beds and they let me sleep in (Not really sleeping, but just staying in bed) on the weekends. I know sometimes or often I feel like there is no way I am doing a good job raising them, but overall I think I am raising good people. They have their moments. Like Caleb has a problem with stealing and lying at this time. I have explained how lying and stealing is bad numerous times and in different ways. He still doesn't seem to get it. Now I am at a loss at what to try next. To be completely honest (again I do LOVE my kids) they say that the youngest child is most likely to go to jail. Not in my case. It will be my oldest. He has such a kind and loving heart, but he tends to be a follower. That I am afraid will be his downfall. Wanda and Greg help me a lot with them. Steven tries, but he just isn't interested or good at it. I really appreciate their help, but sometimes they (mostly Wanda) become so overbearing. Its an internal struggle of when to say something or when not to say something. I know they mean well and are by no means trying to push me out, but it is how it feels sometimes. I try to remember how thankful I am for them and love them. Wanda told me the other day that she wanted more grandkids so I needed to have another baby because it would be the same for her as I am still like a daughter to her.

Life in general: I have recently been feeling so disconnected my Vanessa lately. Don't get me wrong she is and will always be my Jelly. I know its mostly because she just had Ariel and in a committed relationship with Bill. So she is just in a different place in her life at this moment. I want to go out and have fun when I don't have my kids and have money which is rare lol. We still go out occasionally,but we are home by 10. I feel bad because she doesn't have any family here and we talked about doing Thanksgiving together this year, but I also feel bad if I stand my family up. I want to go dancing. I want to take the stripping classes I found. I need to do these things for myself. I have begun to read more. I went and got a library card so I can get books when the kids do.
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About Saturday night........ [07 Nov 2017|03:37pm]
[ mood | okay ]

FYI- intimate post.

I saw Bruce a couple of Sundays ago for the 1st time in about a month. I pulled up to my house with a friend as we came back from Walker Stalker con. Ironically as I pulled up him and my brother came out of the house. I got out and he hugged me and we talked for a few. My friend said that it was obvious that he was happy to see me. I was teasing him about not eating my cooking and when I was like I am just kidding I reached out to just touch him arm, but he reached out too and we ended up holding hands for a brief second. Then we hugged and my friend and I left to go get something to eat. I tried to be nonchalant and I think I did a good job, but it was hard. Seeing him made me realize how much I missed him. I think he missed me too.

The 2nd time I have seen him in awhile was this past Friday. He came over right after work. He walked in and gave me a hug then went down stairs. I stayed upstairs for a bit with the kids then I heard Twank's voice. I decided to go say hey to him since its been awhile since I saw him. I walked down the stairs and was like I knew I heard a strangers voice. Bruce just looked at me like huh, but then Twank got up and gave me a hug. I sat down and hung out with the guys for awhile till they decided to go out to eat. They all left without saying bye or anything and I went about my night with the kids as usual. It was nice to see him and at one point I caught him looking at me. I just looked at him smiled and was like what? He didn't say anything and went back to watching the music video. It left me reminding myself that he is Brad's friend and I'm not what/who he wants. I can do this. Put my mask on. Then came Saturday night........

It was about 1:30am and I had just turned my light off when all of a sudden my phone went off and it was Bruce's text tone. I was shocked to say the least. I just so happened to be thinking of him. His text read Is Brad Okay. I thought this is an odd time for you to ask if Brad was okay, but sure I will answer.
Me: It seems to be good
Him: oh okay
Him: hru
Me: I am good. How are you?
Him: I'm alright. wyd?
Me: Just laying in bed. wyd?
Him: drinking a beer
Him: I'll let you go to sleep
Me: Sounds fun
Me: I wasn't sleeping, but okay
Him: What were you doing?
Me: Reading, but now I am just relaxing
Him: Sounds like fun
Me: its okay I guess
Him: lol alright
Him: well have a good night
Me: smiley face
Me: you too
Him: I am curious if I wanted to do something to you would you be down
Me: What do you want to do to me?
Him: fuck you
Me: yes
Him: is that a yes I can
me: yes it is
Him: When
Me: It's yours when you want it. So now, tomorrow or whenever is good with me.
This back and forth continues till he comes over.

He comes in and just smiles at me, gets in the bed and grabs me. It was different this time around. I don't think I need to get into details,but it was different in a good way. It's probably permanently sheared into my brain. Afterwards he pulled me to him and was like that was awesome. Then gave me a high five and was like we did great. We talked and laughed for another hour or so before he left. It was amazing. I felt so happy and free. When he left I gave him a kiss which was the usual, but he grabbed me instead and held me to him and kept kissing me. I am sure that when he high fived me I probably shouldn't thought to myself how much I love this man lol. It left me feeling like he has missed me as much as I have missed him and still wants me. I don't know if this will change anything between us or what it means to him. I should probably ask. I probably won't though. I'll just keep it all to myself and pray I get to see him again soon.

I know what you are probably thinking. It's just sex. There is a chance that my gut is wrong and it's strictly just sex for him. For to me though it's not. I know shocker lol. The truth is all the times before I admit that it was probably mostly just sex for him and being super duper drunk. This time I think it was different for him too. I could be wrong. He had been drinking. However, I've seen him much more drunk than that. I like my gut. It says he has feelings and is scared and not ready for a relationship so he pushes me away, but he does care. My anxiety is a bitch. It says I'm just some free and easy pussy. I don't want to be played for a fool again, but I just can't see him not having some feelings for me. I've tried. I just can't. I don't believe he is that kind of man. Don't take that last comment wrong. I do believe he is a man perfectly capable of having sex just for physical pleasure. However he can get that anywhere, anytime.

I was thinking about it about whether I will continue to sleep with him knowing there is no future. I will. At first I was like What? To myself because why would you put yourself through that pain. My heart will break regardless. That's just what happens when you fall in love with a man that doesn't share those same feelings. When I'm with him whether it's alone in bed or hanging out with everyone, I just feel happier. His smile makes me want to smile and hearing him laugh makes my heart swell. I feel happier with him around. Less stress and more care free. He doesn't make my heart skip beats. I feel safe with him. I want to care for him and cater to him. This man has seen me looking my absolute worst and he still makes me feel like I'm one of the most beautiful and wanted women ever. I don't know if those feelings are really love, but I don't want to give them up. I want to be able to experience them for as long I can.

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[24 Oct 2017|02:23pm]
These arms of mine. They are lonely. Lonely and feeling blue.These arms of mine. They are yearning. Yearning from wanting you. And if you
Would let them hold you Oh how grateful I will be

I've been doing really good at staying positive. I mean really positive, not just wearing my usual happy mask. Don't get me wrong,my feelings haven't changed. I'm still sad/worried and in the darkness of night I have the hardest time controlling my thoughts. For the last few nights I have had the exact same dream.

It starts with me in the B3 parking lot desperately trying to convince Bruce he is too drunk to drive. He is stubborn so this has turned into an argument. He finally yells at me why do you care and I yell back because I love you! Then I somehow have his keys and jump in the driver seat, refusing to get out. He finally un happily gets in the passenger seat.I drive him home. I get him inside. I undress him,get him set up for the hang over in the morning, etc. When I'm walking out I run into his mom and she ask me who I am and I tell her and she says thats so kind of you. I'm sure my son doesn't deserve it. I tell her he does and precede to walk home. At this point I usually wake up and my anxiety is super high. It has been taking me about an hour to calm down enough to go back to sleep and then I have the second part of the dream.

In the second part I am sitting with a group of people. They are all faceless. We are laughing and seem to be having a good time. A guy in the group then asks me if I am single. When I go to answer him another faceless man appears next to me. He grabs my hand and tells everyone that I'm taken. I don't remember much after this point, but feeling so very happy.

I don't know what or if these dreams have any meaning and I don't know why I keep dreaming them. They are always the same. Its just weird.

I still miss him and I catch myself wondering if he misses me or thinks about me like I do him. He probably doesn't and thats okay. I mean let's be honest it hurts, but its okay as long as he is happy. He has been gone for 3 weeks (for work). I really do hope I haven't loss my friend and I truly want him to be happy.

I took Ariel to Caleb's game Saturday and Wanda was like you should have another one so I can have another grand baby that's somewhat blood. I was like I would have to have surgery or find a man with some potent sperm. She laughed and was like you never know what God's plans are. I instantly thought of Bruce. I would happily have his child. Which is odd because I have been very set against not having anymore babies especially with some random guy, but I have thought about babies with him.

Speaking of babies (yes I know random side piece). I have been watching the show This is Us and thinking about adoption. If I was in a better financial place I really would love to adopt a baby.
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Keep breathing, keep moving on [20 Oct 2017|07:34pm]
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming,
But there's a voice inside my head saying,
"You'll never reach it."
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'

There once was a time that I thought I knew what love was. I now realize that each love is different and there isn't just one definition of love. I don't know if my feelings for Bruce are real love or if I just saw him as an easy solution to my loneliness (even though he was very complicated lol). I do know that not being with him SUCKS! I know that I will always be here for him. My heart is broken at the moment, but I know in time I will be just fine. Eventually when the time is right the right love will find me or I will find it.

My friend Nick just read a self help book 'The Subtile art to not giving a fuck'. He let me listen to a little of it. The first thing he said was that we spend most of our lives giving too much of our fucks to insufficient things. The other thing said was that we have a choice. These really hit home for me today. I know that keeping this mind set isn't going to happen over night and some days will be harder than other, but I want to and need to try.

I don't think love is an insufficient thing to waste fucks on. However, it made me feel that I have wasted too many Fucks on Bruce. Not because my feelings are invalid, but because its a decision out of my control and I should make the choice to focus my fucks on decisions that are within my control. Starting now I'm making the decision to focus my fucks on things I can control.

I've decided to start with focusing on my kids (their physical and mental health, school, sports, etc) and my finances (show me the money!!!) I chose them to begin with because they are my top priorities. Once I get refocused on them then then I will add more.
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I wrote this a few days ago and apparently didn't post it till now [20 Oct 2017|07:13pm]
Cause everybody needs someone to love
And I know that it's true
And I know that it's you
I don't understand
Why you can't be my man
So I've gotta wake up
Stop living in a dream
Yes I've gotta wake up
Cause I can't lose the love I never had
Yeah I've gotta wake up
As painful as it seems
Yes I better wake up
I can not lose a love I never had

Today I haven't been able to control my thoughts. They are spinning out of control. It hurts. It physically hurts. I have things that I need to do, but even those task are not helping nor do I have the motivation to do them. I want to go lay in bed, cry and drown my sorrows in my own self pity and loneliness. As perfect as we would be together I know what he said is right. Unfortunately the right thing feels so wrong to me and sadly only me. I can't cry. I can't let them know how much I am hurt. I can't let them see the pain. I have to continue acting like I am fine and happy. I mean how bad could it be to lose a love I never had.

I think what makes it worse is that he is best friends with Brad. I get to hear about his wild nights and women. I still have to hang out with him. I have to pretend that it doesn't bother me. Pretending that I don't want to pick up my phone and text him, touch him when he is near, comfort him when he is tired or sick, wanting to know everything about him, not because I am nosy, but because I am interested. I care.

My gut still says that he was honest and that he does care enough that he doesn't want to hurt me. My anxiety is pushing really hard to get me to believe that he doesn't care, has absolutely no feelings, I am not pretty enough, good enough, fun enough, wild enough, etc. Some days its harder to ignore my anxiety. Today is one of those days.

I need to reach down deep and find my inner strength and move on. I need to focus on my kids, myself and finances. I can't loose me and I can't let my kids down. Its just the three of us.
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[25 Sep 2017|10:20am]
It's my birthday and I will cry if I want to........

He did end up texting me Happy Birthday. I was worried that he wouldn't. It meant a lot that he texted me. No it didn't give me hope that things would change, but in knowing that he does care and our friendship is in tact.

I am still not okay. I miss him, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to last so its okay. I fake it pretty well though and one day I will be able to say I am okay. Till then just taking one day at a time.

PS: I know I have bigger things to worry about like money and my kids, but at the moment my heart hurts and that is unfortunately a pretty big deal to me.
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Heartbreak and acceptance..... I think [23 Sep 2017|05:44pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I-I-I can feel it
When I look in your eyes so clearly
I-I can see that you need me
And all that we were
I-I can taste it
All the days that you've been wastin'
I-I know that you can't face them
And all that we were

The last couple of weeks he has been acting strange and last night he got me alone to say he guessed I may have noticed. I told him I did notice and was trying to decide to ask or just let it go. He said that he has been thinking lately and I am a beautiful, awesome chick that has her shit together and if he was in a place mentally and emotionally I would be his girl. He was very clear that he wanted me so much, but his head was in a fucked up place. He said he didn't want to hurt me and he was afraid that if we kept on I would catch feelings and he would end up hurting me and he didn't want that. I told him that I understood what he was saying and respected his decision, but to be honest I already had feelings, which technically were there before we started sleeping together and I did want more from him. He seemed shocked by what I said and was like Tiff I never intended to hurt you and you don't know how many times I picked up my phone to text and want to hang out with you,but I don't because I know we will have a great time and there will be feelings. He was like I feel guilty if I am with you then talk or get with another girl. I told him that I already knew he was with his ex and the married chick. He was shocked again. He then told me that him and the ex was for sure completely done, no going back and then he was like I am just smashing the married chick. I told him y'all were dating and he was like I need you to know that I am just smashing her. I reminded him that he has been up front and honest with me from the beginning about what he wanted and didn't want and I choose to go through with it so he didn't need to feel guilty except for when he texted the married chick from my bed. He was again shocked and was like please tell me you punched me in the face and I said no. He said I should have and if he ever does anything else like that to definitely punch him in the face. The group came back in so we stopped talking. When we were alone again I took his hands, kissed his cheek and was like I don't want you to feel bad and we are good. He just looked at me and was like are you sure? I assured him again that we were good. He asked to kiss me and I did. Then we went back to what we all were doing. So its official we are no longer sleeping together and my gut says that its the right thing and he was mostly genuine with what he says. Then my anxiety kicks in, I think to much and now I am trying to convince myself that he wasn't genuine and everything he said was exactly what a fuck boy would say when he was done fucking a bitch. I thought I was fine. It is the right thing and I had already been thinking it,but as I sit here writing this the tears and pain are coming. Because even though I know its the right thing it hurts. I knew this day would come. I never saw a future with us. It still just hurts and I miss him already. Well I will end this here because apparently this is the moment that I am going to choose to breakdown.

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Baby daddy upped his "I'm a jerk" game [29 Aug 2017|10:03pm]
[ mood | angry ]

How could you do em like that? Yo own flesh and blood?
All these excuses then you say you misunderstood?

So we showed up to Bug's first baseball practice tonight and Steven was there with his new girlfriend & her kids. At first I thought of well that was nice for everyone to come out and support Bug. Well that was till Amanda said oh yay they're on the same team. Huh? Turns out after I told them about signing Bug up she went and signed her son up for the same league. I guees i have officially have found the secret to get your baby daddy to come to all the practices and games. Bug said he is okay with it and he likes having a friends on the team.

However I have a problem. Why couldn't this just be something Bug does with his dad? Why did he have to show up playing dad to her kids while mine watch?

Are MY kids not enough?

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[01 Jun 2017|09:40am]
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

So my parents have been planning to come to town for a few months now. I had tried to get time off, but I've had to take so much time off this year already to deal with the kids and personal stuff that I can't take time off. My mom actually called me last night (even though she knew I was at the hospital with Vanessa) to ask me if I was going to take time off and spend time with them and their friends. Yep they are bringing their friends this trip. Actually they are just fitting us in on one of their motorcycle trip. Then when I explain I want to go, but I just can't say for sure she told me that she was disappointed in me because this was planned, etc. I told her I was disappointed too, but I couldn't help work coming up. She then ask me if I'm backing out so that I can stay home and take care of my friend. I realize that once I knew the chances of me going were slim due to legit having to work I did come up with a positive spin on it as it would give me a chance to walk around the house naked, have complete me time and hopefully spend alone time with him, but the decision to stay is based on work. She didn't act like she believed me and based on her other comments it's like she talked to Brad and they had a bitch fest about me. Which isn't unusual. I should be used to feeling like the disappointment/black sheep. Brad has always been her favorite. She hasn't talked to me about this trip, but I'm suppose to know what is going on. You would of thought since they never see their grandkids they would of been like so the kids can still go right, sound excited? But nope she just was like Brad said he would take your kids if you don't go all non chalant. Like she didn't care if they went or not. I'm just tired of getting blamed for everything or looked down on. I'm just trying to survive. To be honest Vee is there for me more so than my mom has been in years so if I choose to stay with her then what's wrong with That? It's not my fault I never see my parents. They are the ones with money and choose to spend their time off and money going on motorcycle trips with friends instead of visiting us. Ugh rant over for now
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Sincerely, Her own worst enemy [24 May 2017|01:57pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

So last week I did really good and followed through with not texting him, but then he showed up at the house Thursday and all the progress I made of forgetting and moving on went out the window. He went down stairs and hung out with Brad and Twank of course and I was cooking dinner so I was upstairs, but eventually I went down stairs and I tried so hard to be non nonchalant. I spent a lot of the time texting Vanessa what was going on and laughing at her commentary. I felt like he was ignoring me, but then I caught him looking at me and he made a comment about how I had been on the phone, giggling the whole time. I ignored him comment, but limited my phone time and loosened up. After awhile Brad made a comment about how I should of seen how excited he was to come over and I, being a smart ass......
Me: Awww you missed your boys
Him: Some more than others
Me: So it was Twank you were really missing?
Him: nope
Me: Brad?
Him: nope
by this time I realize he is probably going somewhere with this,but again I am a smartass
Me: Oh I know it was really the kids lol
Him: Really? You are right. It is your son that gets on my nerves with his attitude that I missed. Yep it had nothing at all to do you with.
Me: *insert huge smile and laughing
I knew then there is still something there. So it came time for him to go and he demanded I take him home and of course I said yes. I had already put Caleb to bed so I didn't think it would be a problem. We talked and laughed in the car, but when we got to his house he asked if I wanted to come in and started to kiss me. I told him that I wanted to, but it would be my luck that Brad would call 5 minutes in.He preceded to get out the car and was like its your choice. I sat in the car for a second then drove off. I wasn't even out of his neighborhood when I picked up my phone to call him, but I found he had text me and was upset. I told him that I was turning around and he again said it was my choice. *** Time lapse*** As we are laying on his bed talking he pats my vajayjay and
Him: Do you have a name for this?
Me: No, but I am open to suggestions lol
Him: I think it should say no trespassing above it
Me: Oh really
Him: Yeah and under that it should say warning: enter at own risk
Me: you are making it sound like its a bad thing lol
Him: Oh no its good. Really good
I then explained that when I left it had nothing to do with Brad, but that Caleb was asleep and if he woke up it would be a fight when he couldn't find me. He said oh that makes sense as he is a Mama's boy. I told him I was working on it and he assured me that I was doing fine. He kissed me and was like so you need to go. At first I was like he is rushing me off :( , but realized he was doing what needed to be done so I could get back to the house. I thought he was working Friday, but he showed up at the house while Brad was off getting his hair cut. He stayed and went down stairs to play a video game while Caleb and I finished a movie. After I put Caleb to bed I went down there with him. I wanted to ask him to sit with me on the couch. I wanted to rub his shoulders and touch him. However I did none of those things. Sat on the couch talking and watching him play his game. I realize that he is probably feeding off of me and I am trying to feed off of him and we are going in circles. I am going to have to step up and step out of my comfort zone again and just be blunt. I should of already known this as Twank tells me all the time that I need to. I texted him yesterday and was like what are the chances of me getting to spend some time with you sooner than later. His response was seems good. I just told him that I liked that and that I would be kid free for the next 5 days and he replied with nice, but then the conversation ended. I want to text him again today, but I am scared. My friend Townsend has been trying to get me over it, but I haven't yet. I know I need to make the first move.........

I gotta girl crush, hate to admit it but
I gotta heart rush, ain’t slowin’ down
I got it real bad, want everything she has
That smile and that midnight laugh she’s giving you now

The other side to this is I have realized that for some reason him hooking up with ex doesn't bother me. Maybe its because we have talked about her and I know its probably more a convenience thing than anything else. However the Married chick bothers the crap out of me. I literally hate her with the flames of a 1000 suns. I don't know when I developed this hatred and jealously. I don't truly understand why I feel that way about her. Maybe it is because he doesn't want me to know about her. Maybe its because he leaves me and meets up with her at the bar. Maybe its because it seems he invites her to parties/on dates. Maybe its because in my head he takes her home, gives her amazing pelvis and she gets to stay the night and wake up with him. Maybe its because in my head he wants her more and I am just the chick he thought he wanted and is just trying to be nice to. Maybe its because although she has brought all kind of drama in his life he still chooses to give her the pelvis. Maybe its because she seems to give him exactly what he wants. Maybe its because I feel like he doesn't flirt with me like he used to and I am no longer special to him. Obviously in my head I have lots of reasons lol. I can't help but think what does she have that I don't. I know absolutely nothing about this woman, except she originally started talking to him because her husband wanted to watch her have sex with someone else and I know about some of the drama that has happened since they started sleeping together. I know that he told his ex about her the other night and apparently threw his "moving on" in her face. I know that I need to get over her and let it go, but thats easier said than done.

What I don't know is although I don't think he is my forever love I just can't seem to let him go. I want him. I want all of him. I need to put myself out there so I can get what I want. Except he made it clear it was just sex and I am trying to make sure he is getting what he wants, have sex and keep a friendship.

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Hit and run [17 May 2017|01:36pm]
I'm hell on heels
Say what you will
I've done made the devil a deal........... And I'm coming for you

The tire tracks on my back just keep on piling up.

First it's Bill (Vanessa's boyfriend). He blames me for their problems getting worse, that I don't like him and I'm rude and disrespectful. The list goes on and it's all my fault. I talked to him so he could hear from me that I Don't have a problem with him. I actually think he is a good guy, but I also don't always like him. I was brutally honest and told him I thought that although he had good intentions and loved her and the boys sometimes he came across as a selfish prick. That's the only part he heard. He still brings it up to Vanessa when they argue. Of course that's whole situation is a post I should of made all on it's own.

Now it's Peggy. So she has been acting weird towards Michelle lately and Michelle finally said something about it and she emailed her back telling her that she wasn't a good friend and didn't want to hang out with her because she is friends with me and chooses me over anyone else. Truth in my opinion I think she was perfectly fine with me till I made some comments she didn't agree with and then it turned into me or her.

In both instances I have encouraged those relationships. I would tell Vanessa to talk it out with him and that he was a good guy. Even recently I have encouraged Michelle to hang out with Peggy. To invite her out with us, etc.

I don't understand why my name keeps coming out of people's mouths? Why am I always to blame? Why does everyone assume I'm the bad guy? I try hard to be drama free. Vanessa and Michelle are my best friends so we talk about what goes on in our lives and we have opinions,at the end of the day I just want them to be happy regardless of my feelings about how they are getting there. I will always support them 100% with what they decide, again regardless of my thoughts and feelings about it. I try hard to be that good supportive friend. Hell believe it or not but I actually work hard to think of and do for others. By no means am I perfect and I have said and done things I shouldn't have and probably didn't apologize when I should have. I'm not perfect. I'm only human, but I try to own up to my mistakes and I Don't single people out or dwell on the pain.

I just want to be happy myself. Sometimes my feelings that I try to hide come to surface and I wonder what it is about me that people throw me under the bus. Who knows maybe that's not even their intention, but it's how it feels. Sometimes it feels like everyone wants me to be alone. I know there is no conspiracy against me. It's all in my head and I need to learn to stay out of my head.
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Mistakes or second chances? Aren't they the same? [12 May 2017|12:35pm]
And you pray, pray, pray that everything will be okay while you're making all the same mistakes

So I texted him again. I told myself I wouldn't. I was very blunt about wanting to hook up with him and he said yes. Of course this made me happy so I asked when and he said probably tomorrow. The word probably didn't make me happy. Like it took away from his yes. Now I can't decide if it's because he has to work, maybe have plans with his mom or if he is waiting to see if he can get with the other woman. All my doubt came back, but I just told him to let me know. So I will reach out to him tomorrow and if he stands me up then....... that's it. I WILL NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN!!! Friends only and that's okay. One last time so I know where I stand.

If he rejects me it's for the best. I never thought a friends with benefit arrangement would work for me. I will catch feelings. Hell there is a chance I already have. I know he isn't my forever love. Or maybe I'm not catching feelings and it's just me wanting someone to want me. I want to be wanted. I want to feel attractive again. Sometimes I think it has nothing to do with him, but my need to be wanted. Actually after writing that I'm very certain my feelings have nothing to do with him, but my need for attention and being wanted. Don't get me wrong I like him, but he isn't my forever love.

I'm lonely. Now what to do about that.......

*** update *** Brad told me he had to work all weekend, but I texted him Saturday evening and asked if he wanted company, but he said he was at work and it sucked. I agreed then didn't text him back. I haven't heard from him again and I haven't reached out to him. It's very possible that he went to work at 0730 in the morning and was still at work at 2000. It has happened before, but it's also very possible that he was with other people (married chick). I don't know what to think. Not knowing where I stand with him sucks!
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Just me [10 May 2017|02:28pm]
I know what I came to do
And that ain’t gonna change
So go ahead and talk your talk
'Cause I won’t take the bait
I’m over here doing what I like
I’m over here working day and night
And if my real ain’t real enough
I’m sorry for you bae

The truest statement I have ever read in my life is this..... "Ladies, quickest way to get a man to stop liking you is to like him back..." I have learned things that just confirmed what I should of known already. The weird thing is I am okay with it. I slept with him and scared him off. It happens even to the best looking chicks right?!?! Don't get me wrong at first I was hurt. He goes out with her (to drink then go "home") and he chooses to have sex with her over me. What did I do wrong? then I got over that and I am okay. 1. My gut says he put me at arms length because it was more personal between us. 2. He is now in some serious drama and I wouldn't want anything to do with that lol. 3. I don't think I did anything wrong. I gave my body to a guy that I trusted and he choose what he thought was going to be the better option for himself (not mad at that) and that is okay. The sex probably wasn't the best, but it was the first time for me in 2 1/2 years so I give myself a pass lol. I still want him, but I would rather have his friendship than nothing at all. Now to get my mind on the same page as conscious me. I still find him on my mind and given the chance to daydream they are filled with thoughts of him. I am sure it will take time. I am proud of myself for putting myself out there and hopefully I will continue to do so. He was never my forever anyways so no need to waste time sulking over it. However the biggest down fall is I now realize just how lonely I have been over the last couple of years. I really do miss having that companionship with a man. Although I have guy friends its not the same as having that one that you want physically and emotionally.
To be honest I will probably still have moments where I doubt myself and blame myself for others decisions even though I know their choices have nothing to do with me. Feeling like I am always to blame and that its my fault is how Steven always made me feel and I think now its become habit. I need to focus on how to stop that bad habit. I do the things I do for people not for recognition, appreciation or anything else, but because it makes me happy to know that I did something that was for someone else.
I am still talking to one guy, but I just don't feel that connection. I do plan on going on a date with him to put myself out there. Well within reason of course Brad will know where I am at lol.
Caitlyn told me last week that she hopes to be just like me when she grows up. I said oh really thats cool She replied with yep I want to not have a boyfriend/husband just like you. At first I was hurt that is how she sees me and scared that I am teaching my daughter that she doesn't want a man/relationship. I don't want her to see men or relationships as a bad thing or something to avoid. Is that what my lack of a love life is showing her? Vee had a different view point. She said that it wasn't that,but that I am showing her how to be a strong and independent woman that doesn't need a man. I hope it is more along those lines. I want her to be a strong and independent woman that chooses love not because she needs it, but because she wants it and because she is happy. I want the same for Caleb.
I want to be happy. I need to be happy. I will be happy. I still don't understand why I haven't been able to find someone to be happy with, but I trust in God that there is a reason for that. I pray that he has someone in store for me. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life watching everyone else move forward.
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Ugh just some adulting [20 May 2016|10:36am]
I need to know what it is about me that screams I want a fuck buddy? What is it about me that makes guys look at me and go oh no she is not relationship/wifey material? First there was Officer B who wanted to take me out for drinks, but made it very clear I was just oh so sexy and now I have a friend of a friend (CP) that thinks I would make a good playmate. Both are in their mid to late forties and I think they both are great friends, but I am not attracted to either one of them like that. Now B avoids me like the plague because I never called him and I don't know what to do about CP. I enjoy talking with him, but physically I don't feel anything. I was speaking with my seester from another meester last night and it got me thinking that I have always been the woman that wasn't afraid to make inappropriate comments or jokes with guys or women, but maybe that leaves some guys thinking that I am open to playmate type behavior. Maybe that is why guys don't see me as relationship/wifey material? I want to be relationship/wifey material. I see myself as that....... Sometimes I feel like I need to have a man in my life to really please everyone else. To be honest sometimes I wish I had a man in my life that was a step up from Steven, but lets face it that will not happen. Not because Steven is so great, but I have always felt he was a step up from me to begin with. I need to remember that it is okay to not have anyone. I have so much other stuff to focus on that I don't really need a man to add to the mix. Besides they just want a playmate and well that is just not me....... I haven't met a man that made me interested in being his playmate.

I took the plunge and hired a lawyer. Steven made the comment the other night that the kids were not legitimatized so he didn't owe me anything. In all honesty I feel like this will be best for everyone involved. There won't be any he/she said/did. We will each have our roles and assignments. Its fail proof. We just have to follow them. I have not told him or his mom. Most people don't think I should because he doesn't deserve it, but I feel that it is the right thing to do. I realize that when it comes out, shit will hit the fan and my world could possibly be turned upside down. Regardless of how others may feel I know in my heart I made the right decision for my kids and as well as me. It should of been done to begin with, but I was scared. Hell I am still scared, but I have faith and I am heavily leaning on it at the moment.

I am almost 200 lbs (insert ugly face here) This is the heaviest that I have ever been and I DON'T like it. I don't feel pretty or comfortable. Seeing that number on the scale was a rude awakening so to speak that I really need to get it together. With summer right around the corner there is no excuses. I started a new routine last night. Hopefully I keep it up and will stay motivated.

Now I must go pickup Caleb from his last day at school. My babysitter was suppose to do it so I wouldn't have to take more time off work, but she called me at 0945 to say she couldn't because her and Caitlyn were going to go get something to eat, but they couldn't because she realized she didn't have enough gas and I didn't pay her this morning ( I usually pay in the afternoon) so she didn't have any money to put in her gas tank.
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